It’s my birthday (tomorrow)! Because I am a Leo, I’ve been celebrating all week long. I kicked off the festivities in our Slutty Writer’s Society meeting Monday night with this writing prompt: write all the ways you’re getting older, wiser, hotter.
I started the shares reading a kind of rant/confession/poem I wrote in the allotted time, which ended with: I have very few fucks to give/And also: so much more fucking to do.
I was followed by a woman who introduced herself as 17 years older than me, who said she was impressed I had already figured out to give very few fucks. She then shared her writing, in which she described, over and over, that she had exactly zero fucks to give. Actually she had less than zero fucks.
I said I hoped to get there soon.
DGAF (don’t give a fuck) was a common acronym worn like a badge in my high school years, claimed mostly by guys who got high all day instead of going to class. I easily adopted the lifestyle, DGAFing my way into boy’s cars that took me to parties I shouldn’t have been at, putting just about anything up my nose, and forgetting to go to class or show up for exams.
Not giving a fuck when I was younger meant risk. No fear of death or consequences.
Now, not giving a fuck is more about being unwilling to be subjected to others’ imposed expectations of you—people who are shitty, too-tight pants, fear of failure can all fuck right off.
Knowing when to care and when not to is sacred. Because there’s another through line that came up in the workshop: the wisdom of knowing more makes you know better than to get into those potentially fun but threatening cars, might make you think twice about trying the drugs, or dropping the ball on responsibilities.
And yet, I do feel the most free, the most like myself, the most alive, when I’m doing something dangerous (loosely defined as risky or dumb.) But I encounter an internal struggle I didn’t experience when I was 16. I feel guilt and fear in a sharper way.
Perhaps I appreciate the sweetness of my stupidity even more because I’m fully aware and still choosing it. Or maybe it’s my acquired discernment—not taking EVERY risky ride or promise of a few hours of bliss, but seeing when a ‘yes’ will be worthwhile.
Getting older has changed my relationship to desire. I'm not just getting better at knowing what I want, I'm getting better at knowing what I don't want.
And so I give you the ick list. Last year I wrote a list of things that make me horny, and this was harder to do—but equally as important. Our “yes” is only half the story.
The Ick List
Most men’s feet. Please do show me a pretty one if you find it
Republicans and people who claim to be “fiscally conservative”
Men who get defensive rather than curious when they hurt my feelings: Did I express that something you did upset me? Good, that means I care enough to give you space to fix it. The worst thing you can do here is exit with an excuse and a half assed apology. Instead, try to understand my experience.
If they don’t stop everything and drop jaw when they see me naked: I don’t care how many times you’ve seen me naked. Every time should make you fall to your knees.
Lovers who don’t know how to go slow
When sex ends after they cum
Cold rain
When people don’t offer me a bite of their food
People who order a plate for themselves at family style restaurants
Overcooked meat
Line culture
People who are overly groomed, too “perfect” or “done”—Give me your body hair, soft belly, crooked teeth, scars, and “imperfections”—I think that’s beautiful.
People who don’t care about style (at least appreciate it if you have none!)
People who can’t take a fucking joke—Please please please be able to laugh at yourself. It’s so much more fun when we take ourselves less seriously.
Bad overhead lighting
Bad table manners
Unoriginality: Dudes that take every date to the same bar, buy the same gifts, flow each potential mate through a predestined funnel? No thank you.
Also, please don’t be trend chaser. Be weird!
Thinking because it worked on someone else it will work on me (see above)
Avoidant men: Nature’s ozempic. This makes me lose my appetite. And I fucking love to eat.
People who are mean and not also funny
Lack of attention to detail
When people are clearly obsessed with themselves and not with me: Here I just mean...please ask me some questions about my life and experience especially if we are just getting to know each other. I’m pretty cool, too.
When people choose to be stressed over making it fun/funny (unless it’s a real bad situation, let’s try to make the best of it!) If it’s already stressful can we at least try to make it fun? Being stressed never ever made anything better.
Splitting the bill down to the cent
People who don’t do PDA
Bad/road rage-y drivers
If he doesn’t kiss it after
add to the list! what are your no’s?
happy birthday, i love this! i love that you know what you want and don't want!
I love this list! As another aging Leo who crossed over 53 last week, if you are not genuinely curious and willing to grow, don’t waste my time.